entry 9: lame ass ramble about journaling and identity
thinking about getting into journaling. it's been on my mind for a while about keeping something to touch and be grounded in, i want to get away from being online and get to being away from everything because fuck i am so tired of people and being paranoid of every god damn thing online. i also in general want a clear head and to properly ground myself, i need to get the fuck out of this bullshit thought spiral i keep putting myself in when im online so having some external physical touchable and private spot for myself would be nice. i was taking some notes and inspiration of my neo-neighbor ghostingpen, their notes about how to journal and some of their supplies reminded me how much i used to like scrapbooking as a kid and how i already have a habit of collecting things and none of my scraps have a home yet. i already have my eye on a emerald green vinyl journal cover, getting some grid paper inserts, and hoping i can find some pocket inserts to help carry scraps and stickers. i've got some leather coming in(hopefully) i inherited from my mother, i might end up making myself my own pencil case or something like that. and ontop of this I already have a plan on going to a cafe regularly thats about 20 minutes away from where i live. i like their drinks and the atmosphere of the place, its really comforting and it's got some weird nostalgia that not many places can reach in so im biased as fuck to be going there. it would also help us collectively to keep track of whats going on, our memory is getting worse with the stress of being alive and it might be good to let them express themselves more in a more simpler way than i do since i've got more time on my hands.
stupid side note, a friend bought me a microwaveable garfield plush and i love him. anxiety has been beating my ass and this chubby thing arrived at my doorstep at the perfect time. my friend forgot to put the name my guardians typically knows us by since i haven't had the time to properly think of a new legal name and he wrote the package out to my name (hank). it's always fucking embarrassing when that happens because it's easier to say its just a penname online rather than explain entire identity splits and hosts going dormant. they already know i'm plural but still just embarrassing. they're really sweet about it though, pointing out seeing photos of me on madness erchandise i wear and going "look it you" and sometimes calling me hank. it brings some sense of individuality back in me and brings my mood up but still just fucking stupid. I never asked to be an introject or anything and i've already tried to seperate myself during the beginning of my life but i could never get out of it so i've let myself indulge and leap into it but i never planned to have it blend into reality and my family, it's hard to explain let alone understand if i'm based off of some fictional motherfucker.
lots of thoughts today. i still dont know how blogging works, is this blogging? or is this oversharing? who knows.